Saturday, August 28, 2010

Running Circles Around Myself

I woke up this morning to a text message from a close high school friend.

"My mom passed this morning."

To do list for the day:
-Buy Shampoo
-Buy birthday gift for ----
-E-mail ----
-Send shoot brief to ----
-Thread eye brows
-etc, etc, etc...

Sometimes, I get the feeling that I am running circles around myself. I keep myself so busy I hardly have the time to stop and look around, to hug my mom in the morning, to take a breather and relax, to just STOP. I think we're all like this to an extent. What are we so busy with that we don't have time to just not be busy, if only for an hour or two on a Sunday? And beyond that, how important is it? And beside that, how important is it to just stop and take a looksie and what's around you.

I slept through the text message since it was only 8 a.m., but what awoke me was a ring from what I presume to be a wrong number.

In life, there's no room to second guess your accomplishments but only to move forward to achieve more. In death, of course, none of that even matters. I'm not saying that you shouldn't move forward with your goals in life, I'm just saying that when you're on your deathbed and once you have passed, how much money you accumulated, how much fun you had, how many countries you've visited - these things won't matter to you anymore. What I do think matters is how good a person you have been. I don't think I've written this on my blog before, but I am Muslim. I believe in God and afterlife, and I believe that how good of a person you are and what you did to help others are the only things they echo to eternity. Not even my photos will last that long.

I try not to speak to much about my personal life in this blog. It is supposed to be for professional purposes only. I just felt that if there was ever a time to let you guys know about my personal life, this is it. I'm writing this for me, but I'm also writing it for you.

I want to live life to the fullest. I want to experience and know. I want to meet and see. I want to laugh and smell. I want to keep going, to push things forward. I want to life and feel that I've done everything that I've wanted to do - that I've lead a life that, throughout it, I've felt so starkly ALIVE. But I also want to feel like I've helped someone, like I did something of worth that serves someone beyond myself. I want to buy sandwiches for homeless people and spend Saturday morning crying with a friend on the phone - because once I'm dead, how alive I felt won't matter anymore.

Running circles around myself - this is how much life for the last year or so has looked. Today, I held my mom and dad really tight and told them both I loved them. I'm still going to finish my to-do list, but I think I'll also take them out for a walk around a lake, and I'll add visiting a particular friend to the schedule for the weekend, even though she told me she didn't need it.

1 comment:

Allegra said...

as long as you know that you are too busy and you want to change it, almost everything is fine, don't you think?